The End.
The Story, From My Side.
It was the beginning of a new lease of life for me. My secondary school days have just ended, although not in the best possible way. But still suffice for me to enter the school of my dreams…. at that time.
Being a 16 years old at that time, I guess I was a bit filled with pride of my achievement. I guess I was arrogant and cocky at times, but other that that, I cannot really find major defects in my behavior. (I am always weird.)
But as they say pride always comes before a fall, but never would I know that this is not a fall, but a slam, an endless spiral to the deepest depth of hell.
My problems started soon after I enter jc. From my old class, only 4 of us managed to come into the jc of our choice. There was this old classmate, who appealed to get into the jc. I will just call him Z. Anyway I did not need to need to appeal. And at the point of getting my results, he got a lot of Bs, that’s why he needs to appeal. Anyway, at that point of time when we got our results, I notice that he was quite sad. And so, I just walk over and try to comfort him. But never would I realize that my good intention would be misinterpreted. Obviously in his mind he would be thinking like, “This fucker, have a better grade than me so he is coming over and shred crocodile tears?”
At that point of time, I did not really notice it. I just thought that he was sad. Anyway, in jc, I meet him 3 times, and 3 times I wave at him and 3 times he ignored me. I was a bit sad at that time and I just ignored him after that. I think to be fair to him, the third time I wave at him, he ignored, then n sign, or more appropriately, puff out air of anger. It sort of wake me up. However, it wake it up too. After that, he wish to be my friend again, but I ignored him. 3 times is more than enough.
However, my troubles did not end there. Apparently, he confined in friends of his, which happen to be friends of mine as well. I still can recall the time when I was walking past him and jk and jk turns around and stared at me with furious eyes. Not only that, he not only confined in jk as well but some other people also (who happen to know me too).
So, you know something funny is happening when previously friends of yours suddenly you know give you ‘that look’.
My problems do not end there. At about the same time, another friend of mine, I will just name him K. Apparently, I was quite cocky and arrogant at one time and simply ignored someone. Then I saw K and wave at him. K totally ignored me.
Now this K is a smart fellow, whenever he is with friends that used to be my class / club mates, he would wave at me. But whenever we pass each other solo, he would totally ignore me.
Apparently, something funny happen here too. When you see those clicks that he is close is, that used to be closed to you, suddenly give you ‘that look.’ That I don’t know you look. Or has this guy change look.
Initially, I tried to ignore all these. But apparently, these are not off one time thing. They persisted. So what am I supposed to do? Of course, the rational thing for anyone to do at that time is to ignore them back. But I appreciate the friendship that we used to have and tried you know… earn them back. Appearing sheepish at time, but obviously, they mistook it for a sense of guilt.
I must admit that looking at it now; obviously it would seem to point to my guilt. But at that point of time, I only wish to take 1 step back. “Take 1 step back to see the wider horizon,” As the Chinese saying would go.
But for every step that I back off, they took 2 steps forward. Imagine, they have their click, but I was solo. I choose not to tell anyone my problems. I thought that I would not be a rumor monger because I don’t know their side of the story, so maybe next time we can talk about this.
The next time will never come.
Obviously, I did not help myself at that time. I was angry, sad, humiliated, disappointed at that time. I thought to myself, “Just because I am friendly to all, you guys treat me like a dog?” I was seething inside. Although on my appearance, I appear a happy outlook as always.
However, if I had continued that way, I would have been fine. But I was lost at that time. I was wondering. “Why do friends don’t last forever?” “How can someone wave at you today but totally ignore you tomorrow?” “How is this possible?”
Obviously, it affected my interactions with my peers. I started to ignore some friends of mine to see what their reactions are. They totally ignored me and I started the viscous cycle again.
Cycle = Friends Ignored Me. I Tried To Remain a Happy Face. Could Not Take It. Ignore Some Friends… …
Gods knows how many times this cycle repeat in those 2 years.
At the end of my year 2, I was practically living in hell. Those hellish pits engulf me daily, tormenting my soul.
Finally I could not take it anymore. I ask myself one day, “Do I want to end it all?”
I finally thought that I would not. Since I have endured it all, why should I end it now?
I grind my teeth. One day, I have a dream. I totally had forgotten about what that dream is… But I managed to pick myself up then. Perhaps that is what they say divine intervention or what.
So for the next 3 months or so, with a help of one of my relatives (who is good at his studies) I managed to scrap pass the A levels…
I considered myself having done a good job. You must know, for most of the time, of my 2 years. I could not study at all. My routine is like this
Wake up -> Go To School -> Come home -> Sleep.
I was practically sleeping for more than 12 hours a day I guess.
After jc, I was secretly glad of ns. Cause great, I don need to meet them for 2 years. And maybe, I can use that time to sort myself out.
However, ns is not a good time to sort yourself out. Any Tom, Dick or Harry will tell you that. And secondly, I lost faith in all forms of friendship or what so ever.
Man makes use of each other… and only for that sole purpose that we exist.
So you must realize by now that I was not psychologically balanced… I still have not solved the problem. In Ns, I would think that I make more enemies than friends. But at that point of time, there was nothing I can do about it… Nothing, because I am handicapped myself…
After I ORD, I sort of like collapsed… mentally… I could not recognize people after that… There was time when people who look familiar walk past me… But I totally could not recognize them at all… It was too painful for me to remember… I remember at biz, I was eating yong tau fu, the guy serve me and I just walk off… it was only after he was gone that I remembered that he used to be a mopa also and we talk altogether before. Obviously, he would be thinking that I am a dao person.
There was another person; I think was my platoon best recruit. We used to be gum I guess, but after I ORD, he was beside me and I totally could not remember who he was…
It was also after that that I recall.
In university, I met with that click again. Obviously, we still call out to each other. I did not really realize that I was feeling angst. Lot’s of it. I appear with a friendly face that was freaking smiling at all times. Obviously, if someone keeps smiling, you know that it something is wrong. But I was trying my best to … I don’t know…
Apparently, a new guy enters their click. And I was introduced to him also.
But last week, I saw him walking along the corridor. And he gave me that look again…
What do you think I was feeling?
I was with hx and his gang when that click come by too. Qx totally ignored me. Tc wave at me then avoid any eye contact…
What do you think I was feeling?
At that point I snapped. This has to end. I totally ignored them. After they left, I can feel that ek was being displeased with my actions.
I went to the toilet.
Unfortunately for me, I have a 20 per cent mid term that day… I cannot perform at all.
Now you guys know why I keep sleeping in the library? Why do I keep playing dota?
A channel to vent my frustration…
I have never talked to anyone about it. Until last week, I could not take it and tell qz about it.
The day before, I was in front of my house alter and I asked myself do I want to give them another chance? Suddenly, the hurt comes back again.
I realized this : I could not forgive them.
I could not forgive them after all these years. In friendship, the underlying unit should be trust.
Where was the trust that I placed with them during the jc days? Why could not they trust me?
Even now I am bleeding… There are times when I breathe heavily. My mind is preoccupied with the horrors of those days.
I took tissues and keep rubbing my face. I was stressed with those days…
I realized this. I could not forgive them. Not in this lifetime.
So I choose to end it all. Something that I should have chosen years ago.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
My guess is that there will be questions here…
Firstly, I always felt that people should live for each other. That’s why I tried to be friendly to all. I always thought that people don exist as a single entity. People should live for others, or else what is the meaning of live of living for oneself?
I was proven wrong.
Secondly, why do I not tell anyone about it?
As I said, I was not a rumor monger. I thought that ok… maybe you guys have some problems with me. But I should not spread it. Just because you are my enemy does not mean that you cannot be friend with my friend.
Secondly, I never really had a chance to tell my parents about it. Every time I want to… the circumstances were not favourable.
And having hidden it for so long, the natural thing for me would be to.
Thirdly, don you deserved it, if you ignored people?
I must admit that this reveals a flaw in me.
a) I was inflexible and undiscriminating… I should not discriminate or generalized across a group.
b) Picture yourself in my shoes, lost… People who have been classmates for 2 years, club mates for four… they do this to you. What would you think of those people that knew you for lesser time?
Lessons.
1) Those that hurt you the most are those they you think are your friends.
2) If you want to hurt someone, be their friend.
3) Do not for a moment show any signs of weaknesses. If you do that, they will take it as a sign of weaknesses. And they will shit on your head.
4) Do not be friendly
5) Stop reflecting on yourself. Even if you have reflected on your actions, it would be useless if the other party never do the same. (I tried to talk to ek abt the times in jc and he totally ignored the topic.)
6) Jumping to conclusion is good. What do you expect then? If someone ignored you for a split second, you must know that it is the end of this friendship. I was trained well by them.
7) 1 versus a group is always a lose. You think I cannot fight with you people? I just don’t want to.
The list can go on…
But I realized… some thing when I was writing this.
a) I have totally given up hope on them. I don’t wish to know them anymore. I regret knowing them. That’s is why this essay is not a cursing and swearing of what they have done wrong. I have managed I hope to pragmatically pin out my faults (more than theirs) That is why I am so calm.
To all those that I have been a bastard to, if you read this, I don’t wish for you people to forgive me or what. I realized long ago that any sign of weaknesses is an invitation to more bullying. Even if an olive leaf is stretched out to me, I would snare at it instead.
At times, my eyes looks like that they want to kill… now you people know why.
I really want to kill.
Those ex jc who don even know me… I could not stand being in you people company because this would just come back to haunt me…
Lastly, however, I would like to thank my classmate. Although my whole world is upside down, my ex jc classmates were nice to me… I like to thank them for being a sanctuary to me at that time.
My temper, I would consider to be mild before jc, but now, I have one hell of a temper… the angst is still in there. Deep inside… No wonder some people now look like that they don’t know me… I don’t know myself too…
I wrote this… maybe as an explaination.
But more as a conclusion to this parcel of my live.
2 + 2 + 2 = 6 years. 6 years I have been sentenced to hell… the hell of the living… Now I just wish to come out of it. And I just realized six is the devil number… this will end… once and for all.
I will be firm this time round. They don’t exist anymore… in my life.
------------------------------------------
I created this... post this and then deleted it.
However, due to my inexcuseable actions for the past few days, I thought that, I should post this again.
An explaination or a shield? I don't really give a damn to what you all think... but maybe again... i do.
Perhaps, like all things is life, someone don't snap because of just 1 single thing but an accumulation of things...
Perhaps I have not really told it all here... but then... let's keep with this... until I am able... to fanthom them myself too...
Gomenasai...
It was the beginning of a new lease of life for me. My secondary school days have just ended, although not in the best possible way. But still suffice for me to enter the school of my dreams…. at that time.
Being a 16 years old at that time, I guess I was a bit filled with pride of my achievement. I guess I was arrogant and cocky at times, but other that that, I cannot really find major defects in my behavior. (I am always weird.)
But as they say pride always comes before a fall, but never would I know that this is not a fall, but a slam, an endless spiral to the deepest depth of hell.
My problems started soon after I enter jc. From my old class, only 4 of us managed to come into the jc of our choice. There was this old classmate, who appealed to get into the jc. I will just call him Z. Anyway I did not need to need to appeal. And at the point of getting my results, he got a lot of Bs, that’s why he needs to appeal. Anyway, at that point of time when we got our results, I notice that he was quite sad. And so, I just walk over and try to comfort him. But never would I realize that my good intention would be misinterpreted. Obviously in his mind he would be thinking like, “This fucker, have a better grade than me so he is coming over and shred crocodile tears?”
At that point of time, I did not really notice it. I just thought that he was sad. Anyway, in jc, I meet him 3 times, and 3 times I wave at him and 3 times he ignored me. I was a bit sad at that time and I just ignored him after that. I think to be fair to him, the third time I wave at him, he ignored, then n sign, or more appropriately, puff out air of anger. It sort of wake me up. However, it wake it up too. After that, he wish to be my friend again, but I ignored him. 3 times is more than enough.
However, my troubles did not end there. Apparently, he confined in friends of his, which happen to be friends of mine as well. I still can recall the time when I was walking past him and jk and jk turns around and stared at me with furious eyes. Not only that, he not only confined in jk as well but some other people also (who happen to know me too).
So, you know something funny is happening when previously friends of yours suddenly you know give you ‘that look’.
My problems do not end there. At about the same time, another friend of mine, I will just name him K. Apparently, I was quite cocky and arrogant at one time and simply ignored someone. Then I saw K and wave at him. K totally ignored me.
Now this K is a smart fellow, whenever he is with friends that used to be my class / club mates, he would wave at me. But whenever we pass each other solo, he would totally ignore me.
Apparently, something funny happen here too. When you see those clicks that he is close is, that used to be closed to you, suddenly give you ‘that look.’ That I don’t know you look. Or has this guy change look.
Initially, I tried to ignore all these. But apparently, these are not off one time thing. They persisted. So what am I supposed to do? Of course, the rational thing for anyone to do at that time is to ignore them back. But I appreciate the friendship that we used to have and tried you know… earn them back. Appearing sheepish at time, but obviously, they mistook it for a sense of guilt.
I must admit that looking at it now; obviously it would seem to point to my guilt. But at that point of time, I only wish to take 1 step back. “Take 1 step back to see the wider horizon,” As the Chinese saying would go.
But for every step that I back off, they took 2 steps forward. Imagine, they have their click, but I was solo. I choose not to tell anyone my problems. I thought that I would not be a rumor monger because I don’t know their side of the story, so maybe next time we can talk about this.
The next time will never come.
Obviously, I did not help myself at that time. I was angry, sad, humiliated, disappointed at that time. I thought to myself, “Just because I am friendly to all, you guys treat me like a dog?” I was seething inside. Although on my appearance, I appear a happy outlook as always.
However, if I had continued that way, I would have been fine. But I was lost at that time. I was wondering. “Why do friends don’t last forever?” “How can someone wave at you today but totally ignore you tomorrow?” “How is this possible?”
Obviously, it affected my interactions with my peers. I started to ignore some friends of mine to see what their reactions are. They totally ignored me and I started the viscous cycle again.
Cycle = Friends Ignored Me. I Tried To Remain a Happy Face. Could Not Take It. Ignore Some Friends… …
Gods knows how many times this cycle repeat in those 2 years.
At the end of my year 2, I was practically living in hell. Those hellish pits engulf me daily, tormenting my soul.
Finally I could not take it anymore. I ask myself one day, “Do I want to end it all?”
I finally thought that I would not. Since I have endured it all, why should I end it now?
I grind my teeth. One day, I have a dream. I totally had forgotten about what that dream is… But I managed to pick myself up then. Perhaps that is what they say divine intervention or what.
So for the next 3 months or so, with a help of one of my relatives (who is good at his studies) I managed to scrap pass the A levels…
I considered myself having done a good job. You must know, for most of the time, of my 2 years. I could not study at all. My routine is like this
Wake up -> Go To School -> Come home -> Sleep.
I was practically sleeping for more than 12 hours a day I guess.
After jc, I was secretly glad of ns. Cause great, I don need to meet them for 2 years. And maybe, I can use that time to sort myself out.
However, ns is not a good time to sort yourself out. Any Tom, Dick or Harry will tell you that. And secondly, I lost faith in all forms of friendship or what so ever.
Man makes use of each other… and only for that sole purpose that we exist.
So you must realize by now that I was not psychologically balanced… I still have not solved the problem. In Ns, I would think that I make more enemies than friends. But at that point of time, there was nothing I can do about it… Nothing, because I am handicapped myself…
After I ORD, I sort of like collapsed… mentally… I could not recognize people after that… There was time when people who look familiar walk past me… But I totally could not recognize them at all… It was too painful for me to remember… I remember at biz, I was eating yong tau fu, the guy serve me and I just walk off… it was only after he was gone that I remembered that he used to be a mopa also and we talk altogether before. Obviously, he would be thinking that I am a dao person.
There was another person; I think was my platoon best recruit. We used to be gum I guess, but after I ORD, he was beside me and I totally could not remember who he was…
It was also after that that I recall.
In university, I met with that click again. Obviously, we still call out to each other. I did not really realize that I was feeling angst. Lot’s of it. I appear with a friendly face that was freaking smiling at all times. Obviously, if someone keeps smiling, you know that it something is wrong. But I was trying my best to … I don’t know…
Apparently, a new guy enters their click. And I was introduced to him also.
But last week, I saw him walking along the corridor. And he gave me that look again…
What do you think I was feeling?
I was with hx and his gang when that click come by too. Qx totally ignored me. Tc wave at me then avoid any eye contact…
What do you think I was feeling?
At that point I snapped. This has to end. I totally ignored them. After they left, I can feel that ek was being displeased with my actions.
I went to the toilet.
Unfortunately for me, I have a 20 per cent mid term that day… I cannot perform at all.
Now you guys know why I keep sleeping in the library? Why do I keep playing dota?
A channel to vent my frustration…
I have never talked to anyone about it. Until last week, I could not take it and tell qz about it.
The day before, I was in front of my house alter and I asked myself do I want to give them another chance? Suddenly, the hurt comes back again.
I realized this : I could not forgive them.
I could not forgive them after all these years. In friendship, the underlying unit should be trust.
Where was the trust that I placed with them during the jc days? Why could not they trust me?
Even now I am bleeding… There are times when I breathe heavily. My mind is preoccupied with the horrors of those days.
I took tissues and keep rubbing my face. I was stressed with those days…
I realized this. I could not forgive them. Not in this lifetime.
So I choose to end it all. Something that I should have chosen years ago.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
My guess is that there will be questions here…
Firstly, I always felt that people should live for each other. That’s why I tried to be friendly to all. I always thought that people don exist as a single entity. People should live for others, or else what is the meaning of live of living for oneself?
I was proven wrong.
Secondly, why do I not tell anyone about it?
As I said, I was not a rumor monger. I thought that ok… maybe you guys have some problems with me. But I should not spread it. Just because you are my enemy does not mean that you cannot be friend with my friend.
Secondly, I never really had a chance to tell my parents about it. Every time I want to… the circumstances were not favourable.
And having hidden it for so long, the natural thing for me would be to.
Thirdly, don you deserved it, if you ignored people?
I must admit that this reveals a flaw in me.
a) I was inflexible and undiscriminating… I should not discriminate or generalized across a group.
b) Picture yourself in my shoes, lost… People who have been classmates for 2 years, club mates for four… they do this to you. What would you think of those people that knew you for lesser time?
Lessons.
1) Those that hurt you the most are those they you think are your friends.
2) If you want to hurt someone, be their friend.
3) Do not for a moment show any signs of weaknesses. If you do that, they will take it as a sign of weaknesses. And they will shit on your head.
4) Do not be friendly
5) Stop reflecting on yourself. Even if you have reflected on your actions, it would be useless if the other party never do the same. (I tried to talk to ek abt the times in jc and he totally ignored the topic.)
6) Jumping to conclusion is good. What do you expect then? If someone ignored you for a split second, you must know that it is the end of this friendship. I was trained well by them.
7) 1 versus a group is always a lose. You think I cannot fight with you people? I just don’t want to.
The list can go on…
But I realized… some thing when I was writing this.
a) I have totally given up hope on them. I don’t wish to know them anymore. I regret knowing them. That’s is why this essay is not a cursing and swearing of what they have done wrong. I have managed I hope to pragmatically pin out my faults (more than theirs) That is why I am so calm.
To all those that I have been a bastard to, if you read this, I don’t wish for you people to forgive me or what. I realized long ago that any sign of weaknesses is an invitation to more bullying. Even if an olive leaf is stretched out to me, I would snare at it instead.
At times, my eyes looks like that they want to kill… now you people know why.
I really want to kill.
Those ex jc who don even know me… I could not stand being in you people company because this would just come back to haunt me…
Lastly, however, I would like to thank my classmate. Although my whole world is upside down, my ex jc classmates were nice to me… I like to thank them for being a sanctuary to me at that time.
My temper, I would consider to be mild before jc, but now, I have one hell of a temper… the angst is still in there. Deep inside… No wonder some people now look like that they don’t know me… I don’t know myself too…
I wrote this… maybe as an explaination.
But more as a conclusion to this parcel of my live.
2 + 2 + 2 = 6 years. 6 years I have been sentenced to hell… the hell of the living… Now I just wish to come out of it. And I just realized six is the devil number… this will end… once and for all.
I will be firm this time round. They don’t exist anymore… in my life.
------------------------------------------
I created this... post this and then deleted it.
However, due to my inexcuseable actions for the past few days, I thought that, I should post this again.
An explaination or a shield? I don't really give a damn to what you all think... but maybe again... i do.
Perhaps, like all things is life, someone don't snap because of just 1 single thing but an accumulation of things...
Perhaps I have not really told it all here... but then... let's keep with this... until I am able... to fanthom them myself too...
Gomenasai...
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